First things first, don’t forget to put a Chanukah bush on your door. Every house in the neighborhood except for yours looks like Santa vomited on it. A Chanukah bush in place of a wreath is the perfect way to let your neighbors know that you’re Jewish and not a grinch.
Here’s some Chanukah and other relevant cards about Judaism from someecards:
I am raising money for this not quite pressing cause at a time when the economy is in the crapper, but hear me out. I have been accepted as a member to TEAM USA for the 2009 Maccabi Games. The Maccabi games are always held the year after the Olympics in Israel. I will be racing (and hopefully beating) Jewish cyclists of every nation. To be a part of this, I must raise $3,300 for the team. Help me help me.
Please use the link in this email to donate online quickly & securely. You will receive email confirmation of your donation and I will be notified as soon as you make your donation. I thank you in advance for your support, and really appreciate your generosity!!
http://www.active.com/donate/trishcohencycling
Don’t be shy about spreading this link.
P.S. – If you don’t want to help me, but are the gambling type, feel free to donate (gasp) $100 and you’ll receive your choice of:
First Prize – Masters Golf, Wimbleton, Hawaii trip, Israel trip, or Cash.
Second Prize – NCAA Final Four, Super Boal, Carribbean Cruise or Cash.
Third Prize – U.S. Open Golf, NBA All-Star Game, Baseball All-Star Game, San Francisco trip, Broadway trip or cash.
*Only 1000 tickets will be sold, so get yours soon.
How to Profit from the Coming Rapture, Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind, is a delightfully entertaining book, especially for Jews who may not be familiar with the Rapture. Sure, Jews know the basic premise of the Rapture: the Second Coming of Christ. Likewise, Jews know who gets to participate in the Rapture: Not us. However, most Jews are not familiar with the intricacies of the Rapture.
When the Rapture occurs, Christians, dead and alive, will bask in Jesus’ glory. Obviously, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus will have to find other accommodations (The Bible belt will be wide open), but did you know that Catholics and less ardent Protestants will also be left behind? Who knew that all goys were not created equal?
While the book contains fun facts about the Rapture (1/3 of you will die, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike) that is merely the book’s backdrop, not its focus. The focus is how you can profit during the tumultuous time between the Rapture and The Second Coming. This book is THE must-have investment guide for the unenlightened. Paying $10 now will net you billions during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armageddon. If you love and care about your friends and family, you will buy this book for them for Chanukah.
Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, Co-authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane and How to Raise a Jewish Dog, Ellis Weiner has been an editor of National Lampoon, a columnist for Spy, and a contributor to many magazines, including The New Yorker and the New York Times Magazine, and Barbara Davilman is a writer for television and movies. They live in Los Angeles.
Here are newscasters Stevie and Evie Levy revealing some post-Rapture investment secrets on YouTube. (Click here, here, here and here)
My friend Jenn says I’m discriminatory for not recognizing her on Oy Velo just because she’s a total goy and not a cyclist. I recently took Jenn out for her first road ride and she sent me this text afterwards:
“you hurt my vag”
I’m pretty sure this is the sort of shout-out Jenn was looking for.
Gal Segal, creator of Segal Bikes, sent me a picture of his wife, Vardit, showing off her Oy Velo jersey and 900 gram Segal frame at the annual 64 kilometer ride around the Sea of Galilee
Because Oy velo reviewed How to Raise A Jewish Dog by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, Hatchett Books has mistaken Oy Velo for a real news organization and provided them with some complimentary copies of their newest book, How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind. Check back shortly for an Oy Velo review.
In the meantime, Oy Velo has five books to give away. The question is, do I have five people that check this blog? Email Oy Velo to receive your free copy of How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind. If there are six people that check this blog, the sixth person can go here to buy a copy.
Here’s the summary from Amazon Books:
Are the end times near? Is the Rapture really just around the corner? Could Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson possibly be right? About 1 billion people among us believe, yes, absolutely.
And that means one thing: investment opportunities!
For those who are not as expertly versed in the Book of Revelation, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, helpfully offer both illumination and advice: What exactly is the Rapture, anyway? How is it different from the Tribulation? Who are the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen, and the 144,000 male virgins, and what do they want? And, most important, how can I make money during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armaggedon?
Taking the familiar form of a how-to investment guide, HOW TO PROFIT FROM THE COMING RAPTURE instructs those readers who will certainly be left behind (Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, less ardent Protestants, and many more) on how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.
Just yell stop
Disclaimer: Results may vary, but probably not.
Thanks to Scott Barrett, the scroll down menu doesn’t suck.
